If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
