I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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