Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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