Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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