Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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