my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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