Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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