We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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