I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
