thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
