I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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