fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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