just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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