I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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