Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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