i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
