9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
