Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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