just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
