i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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