Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I haven't been this sober since birth.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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