theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize