did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
