Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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