News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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