I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
