shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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