the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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