um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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