Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
