take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
