he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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