it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
