i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
