everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Randomize
