I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
