very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm passing your future prison.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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