I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
