i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
