You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
