Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
