I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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