dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
