if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
