Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
