A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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