I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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