Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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