i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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