I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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