u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Are my feet made of real feet?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
