How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
