he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
