I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
