I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
