You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
