my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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