Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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