My hand turned me down
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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