My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize