my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
