Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
